Future Fusher Hunting

The Reign of Fush 09-10 is rapidly coming to an end. Since most of the current fushers are applying for hipsterwifehunting.com and getting the FUCK out of here come june, we're having a difficult time navigating the hundreds of calls about the availability of the fush next year. however, we can't hand over the house to just anyone. the fush has a long heritage associated with it. it's not just about who inherits the pbr mirror, panda decor and pirate paintings, its about who can continue the fush's prestigious name. In fact, the current residents of the fush had to go through a rigorous application process followed by a somewhat intensive hazing.
thus, we've developed our own application initiation process to ensure that the beloved fush ends up in the right hands. we can't reveal it here, but we will disclose our own applications to show how seriously potential renters should consider the process.

Candidate 1: Harrison Hixon



Why do you want to live at the FUSH?
A shitload of hunnies are applying to live there. It's got sick smoking dens and I heard it comes with a nerf gun!

Why are you a good candidate for the fush?
Well, the name of the house is Fucked Up Shit House. I can fix stuff. Plus I can spit mad game at the landlady to get us rent discounts. I also hand-knitted this snuggie to prove just how into the FUSH I am.

What would be the ideal FUSH party?
First, I would turn the lights down real low in my room, maybe just a single red light to set the mood. I would invite some girls over and we'd spread peach lotion on each other. We'd grind really slowly to Wallpaper and roll around on my bed. I'd probably have a party like this at least once a month. I'd probably have to start charging girls cuz it'd be such a hit.

Candidate two:
Sarah Trowbeliggg


Why do you want to live at the fush?
I'm really drawn to the vernacular architecture found at 325. The Fush hosts not only Baroque and Richardsonian era designs but also hints of Deconstructivist Modern and Art Deco. I would love to preserve this historic building for generations to come.

Why are you a good candidate for the fush?
Well, I don't mind fucking with sunglasses on. I can give mean lapdances to Explosions in the Sky. I can live off lentil soup for months. Plus I only date guys with cars.

What is your ideal party?
Getting belig, taking my crew to a fraternity basement, and making exclusive dance circles-- no frat boys allowed! Ideally, the night would end when I'm so drunk I fall on the floor and I drag someone else with me and we lock eyes and meet our fate. Preferably that someone is a fush housemate.


Candidate three:
Kendall Thomas


Why do you want to live at the fush?
I'd like to be a professional landscaper and I feel like I could learn at lot from horticulturalist Kelly Dabulskis. The grounds are almost perfect but I feel like I could add my own touches here and there. Plus the next door boys be HOT!

What makes you an good candidate for the fush?
I have some pretty nice thighs, so if any robbers come through I can distract them pretty easily. Oh, and a stellar underwear collection. I hear the neighbors are into that.

Ideal Party?
The night would begin with a little bit of blush, followed by a mellow merlot and ending with rambunctious rose. My dream is to complete the Tour de Franzia in under the time it would take to do a 40k time trial. Ideally, the FUSH would become home to the Sub-Hour Club.

Candidate four:
Julie Googz



Why do you want to live at the FUSH?
I've always dreamed of living in a cozy little room with french doors, ideally on the main floor so I always know the comings and goings of the house. The FUSH's dining room/bedroom provides me a panoramic view of from nearly all sides.

Why are you a good candidate for the FUSH?
Well, I pride myself on being somewhat of a maternal figure. I feel like most of the candidates on this campus come from broken homes and I think I could provide a level of comfort and safety for fush residents... I'd keep a candy dish for passerby, have popcorn on hand, and even lend out my jewelry and laptop to those in need!

Ideal party?
It would begin with some nootropics, maybe a little 2-oxo-pyrrolidine carboxyl to get my cognitive capacity ready for the night. Then I'd probably head over to the Beta house for quiet night of slow dancing and cards. I'd probably end in my glass room with a fourloco nightcap-- don't want to go too crazy before my biomolecular exam!

Candidate five:
C-Dance Ellingfun



Why do you want to live at the fush?
I'ma be straight with you, that house knows how to party, and so do I.

What makes you a good candidate for the fush?
You like to smoke cigs? I like to smoke cigs. You like to dance? I like to dance. And I like an open door policy. Plus, I've got a lot of hair accessories I can share.

Ideal party?
Probably begin with some pre-funking at the fush, maybe with a bottle of wine or some jello shots. Roll over to some indie party, then head over to the ski-lodge for some beruit and video games and a little Californication, if you know what I mean.

Candidate 6:
Mickey Mickelback



Why do you want to live at the fush?
The yard is kILLA! The bushs be kILLA! the apex's fancy feast selection is kILLA! the basement is KI-- okay. As my mirror clearly states, this is the place! Plus we can cut stuff on the mirror, if that's what you're into.


What makes you an ideal candidate?
I'm pretty tough, so I can keep robbers and scary dogs at bay. My tail can help clean up beer spills. I'm pretty good at camouflaging myself and keeping a secret.

Ideal party?
The party would be a fundraiser for my tail amputation. Some hunnies would feed me pbr and give me lapdances. The night probably would never end-- I would just purr from one bed to another.

Ode to the De-Creation of Zombies

Today you spoke in class.

Your thought seemed quite incomplete,

But I didn't want to seem crass

Until I looked down at your feet

At once I saw that distinct mark.

And suddenly it all became clear,

You are a Zombie.

from your room you rarely disembark.

I developed a subtle sneer,

You are a Zombie.

Sustainability Assessment of the FUSH

As resident expert on sustainability, I’ve been devoting my free time to evaluating the sustainability of the nicest house on the East Alder block- 325. You might ask, does this big, beautiful, and historic house really merit more than a glance to realize the sustainability assessment of FOREVER? But then you would be ignoring the absolute importance of constant reevaluation of sustainability in protecting the environment. As the WTO stated in the 1992 Conference on Environment and Development, “sustainable development meets the needs of present tenants and landlords while protecting and enhancing opportunities for the future” (Dabulskis 1999).

In my assessment I used 5 variables and ranked them from on a scale from 1 (very low) to 5 (very high). The variables are:

1. 11) Lockability of windows

2. 2 2) How well the hardwood floor camoflages beer

3. 33) Number of times tenants itch their heads in 1 minute

4. 44) Number of TVs

5. 55)Availability of toilet paper

Then, I cross-referenced these numbers with 10 tenant surveys. The surveys consisted of 7 questions:

1. 11) Have you ever had a jar of $15 in change stolen from your house?

2. 22) Has your door ever been blown off and/or kicked down by robbers?

3. 33) How many mattresses do you have in your back yard?

4. 44) Look up. Is there a ceiling?

5. 55) How many broken wine bottles are currently littering your kitchen floor?

6. 66) Can you see your kitchen floor? (Oh yeah? What color is it?)

7. 77) How many people have fallen through your front porch?

Through complex analysis of past studies and hours of deliberation and observation, I have determined that 325 E Alder will last FOREVER in the absence of 2 conditions. 1) The tenants don’t party too much that the toilets stop flushing, and 2) The key to the basement never gets found.

THESISWORLD

having some big lolz in 209. stumbled upon whitmanworld in blogfog (OHHHH) and can't pry myself away. the fush has really been slipping behind, didn't realize you had to update these things like 5 times a day. Alas, jokiology majors are turning in thesis drafts tomorrow, and I need to crack the habermasian code before blocho'clock tonight, where potential new art projects include:

1.) spending loads on fiverr.com, throwing it an a gallery
2.) buying velor tracksuits and conducting "party art" because we're getting really fucking good at hockey
3.) comparative essays on cockblocking-- I already dibbed last night's romantic robber episode

on another note, i guess ghostwriter's Dear Fush blog really took off, because my infamous green dress that I thought was forever lost was sported near the tennis courts today. i hope you wore it on st. patty's day at the least! don't make me listserve (read: summon) this shit...

Some other fush updates:
1.) on april 20th, 2010, the 5lb. buffalo will be officially burned
2.) the trampoline is NOT a two-person activity
3.) last night's midnight calls were a false alarm- heavy breathing NOT a robber! related: security system is now installed!
4.) the fush is almost 5/5... whitman ladies and gentlemen, place act quickly
5.) unidentified object in fridge is actually a yam

spoiler: prude-to-lewd=lewd-t0-nude?

Groundzcrew

Maybe not one of the most highly sought employment on the Whitman campus, but then again maybe it is. Either way, it's a highly visible job, so you gotta think fashion when you roll up to the Mackenz at 8 in the morning.

Most fushlings and friends of the house have paid their dues with the phizz plant guys, whether its smoking lucky strikes with Rick, getting milkshakes with Jack the Bong Ripper, or making the two squirm in their pants. Either way, the FUSH can speak with some authority when it comes to style and the crew. Allow me to throw down some basics:

Plaid: overdone. Yawn.

Denim jackets: a bit too kitsch, yaddadamean?

Workman boots: Pretty clutch, a little too intense for shootin the shit with a rake.


Your best bet for looking good, feeling good, and not getting outsourced is to go to GodWill and find yourself a used Hanes Basic T, some fitted faded jeans, and some nicely used New Balances.

BAM! You got your self a goddamn job!
None of that V-neck shit or someone might call AmAp on your ass.

FUSH fusion

It's getting colder by the day and I know everyone is wondering, "How can I still be fashion forward when its so fucking cold?" Pea coats are trendy but North Face jackets? I mean, they're warm and very fashionable amongst the outdoorsy crowd but they certainly don't scream trend setter.

But don't put that fleece in the closet! The FUSH has the answer: Simply sport an American Apparel hoodie UNDER that practical fleece! Everyone will recognize that your hoodie is American Apparel due to its distinct color and white draw strings and will be the subtle touch you need to maintain that hipster edge.

Stylish AND Practical.

fashion: we be spittin it you be gettin it

The New Year is rapidly approaching, which means... time to seriously consider the New Years Eve get up. According to J Crew, Modcloth, Elle, and budgetfashionista.com, this years all the rage for sequins. At the fush, we say, Fuck That. As some of you might know, over half the fush is majoring in that joke called sociology, which means things get social around here real fast. No, I think my main man Bill will agree with me when I say that this new years is all about Baudrillard’s Simulation; in other words, show up in style with some cellophane.

< Showin up in simulated style on New Years
Lazypedia describes Baudrillard’s theory as such: "modern society has replaced all reality and meaning with symbols and signs, and the human experience is a simulation of reality rather than reality itself" (some rando, internet)

Cellophane makes a compellingly ironic statement that you already accept that everything is a simulation and you are ready to get stimulated. OH!

Well, time to get back to the real world,just gunna write a paper on (I kid you not) this little assigned numba: "Write a theory of differences in the drinking patterns of first and last year students using Goffman and Cooley’s theories of self-formation."

OH!


p.s. watch out for those repressively desublimated foo's on the big night!